Trigun Dating Show
by dk-joy
Summary: Vash is kidnapped by fangirls who force him to participate in a dating show to determine once and for all who he will be paired with! More serious than it sounds, but still humorous. Shounen ai and het.


Warnings: Shounen ai! Leave if you don't like this! Discussions of various pairings, but only one will triumph! (It just happens to be my favorite pairing…) Talk of sex, language, alcohol use, etc. – kids shouldn't read this! Also has het…

Some spoilers, but it would be almost impossible to write a fic without them, so…

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun – Yasuhiro Nightow does.

I don't know if anyone has done this, but if they have don't get mad at me 'cause I haven't read it and don't know of its existence! If there is one and it's good, please tell me the title and author so I can read it!

Summary: Vash is kidnapped by fangirls who force him to participate in a dating show to determine once and for all who he will be paired with! More serious than it sounds, but still humorous. Shounen ai and het.

This starts kind of serious because I'm setting it up, but it gets more humorous as it goes on, I promise! Just keep reading! And please review!

The Trigun Dating Show

Vash is bored Saturday night, so he walks down to the built-in bar at the hotel he's currently living in. Being the total ditz that he is, he unwittingly stumbles into a trap. The cute, blond waitress that tends bar (who happens to be a particularly rabid fangirl of his) slips something into his drink. He sniffs it, thinking that his whiskey smells particularly girly today, but the waitress assures him that it's just the special flavoring she only gives to really cute guys like him. Vash gives her an interested look and downs the whole thing in one gulp. He immediately passes out.

Thanks to the help of several fanboys of the show, Vash is transported to a TV recording studio. Notices have been sent to all characters of Trigun that there will be a competition to determine the ONE person who will be paired with Vash.

The line of interested parties is surprisingly short. They are, in alphabetical order, Knives, Legato, Meryl, Millie, and Wolfwood.

Each applicant fills out a form giving some personal information (name, residence, favorite food…) and is asked to give a verbal expression of consent. In other words, they all have to tell the fangirl at the door that they want to participate in the contest and that they are willing to accept Vash's decision, whatever it happens to be.

Knives walks up to the tall brunette at the door and hands her the form, not bothering to conceal his absolute hate of humans. The girl shudders when she takes his form, but reaches out and stops him from entering.

"Wait, sir. I need you to agree to…"

"Yes, I want my brother. And yes I will listen to what Vash has to say, but if he picks anyone other than me, I'll kill them and Vash in a slow and painful manner." With that said, Knives smiled menacingly and walked through the door.

"…yikes!" The brunette muttered. "Next, please."

Legato walked up, handed her his form and kept walking, trying to keep up with his master. The girl again reached to stop him, but he just flexed his mental muscles, causing her to cry out in pain and drop the bundle of papers in her hand. He only looked back to savor the look of agony on her face.

Meryl came next, picking up the papers the girl had dropped and handing them to her gently before adding her own form to the pile.

"I would like to date Vash and yes, I will accept Vash's decision." What Meryl didn't say is that she was absolutely certain that she would win – she and Vash were the cannon pairing, after all!

Millie came next, handing her form over and saying "Vanilla pudding is my favorite! And I can beat just about anyone at chess!" She smiled and kept walking. The girl at the door didn't bother to stop her, having heard rumors of her stun-gun.

Wolfwood was last, smoking a cigarette and walking leisurely forward, one hand in his pocket. He pulled out his form, slightly wrinkled, and handed it to the girl before saying, "He's a good guy and he can make his own decisions." The girl nodded in approval and Wolfwood nodded back before slouching into the building.

THE TRIGUN DATING SHOW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today…" the announcer began.

"What is this? A wedding show?" Someone from the audience yelled out.

"…Possibly… But anyway we are here to help Vash pick a mate. ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

The crowd roared as Vash was ushered in, still slightly disoriented from the drug that had been slipped into his drink (public service message – don't mix drugs and alcohol!) He was seated on a stool with his side to the audience, the contestants to the right of the stage and facing the audience.

"Here we have the subject of our show: Vash the Stampede, the Humanoid Typhoon!" A pause for more cheering and catcalls. "Vash is a plant who has enormous destructive capability…"

"Oi…" Vash whispered to the announcer. "Do you have to say all that? It's not like I LIKE destruction or anything…"

"Yes, Vash. It is our duty to inform the studio audience and your prospective suitors just who and what you are."

"But these people already know me! You're not telling them anything new!"

"Nevertheless… To continue, he is over 100 years old, but still has the stamina and flexibility of a teenager!"

Vash stared at her incredulously, unable to stop the deep red blush that stained his cheeks. Knives glared at the woman, wondering aloud how she happened to know that little piece of information. She muttered something about "having her sources."

"As you can see, he is tall and wears that red trench coat all the time (see the bullet holes?), but underneath is a leather bodysuit with lots of buckles and a scarred but totally toned body! He has beautifully clear and innocent turquoise eyes and a beauty mark below his left eye. He has blond hair that he wears spiked with lots of gel and a silver hoop earring in his left ear.

"He loves donuts and long walks across the sand, if there is lots of water available. He hates killing, but has destroyed two cities (go figure) and has caused millions of double dollars of property damage…"

"I think that's enough, don't you?" Vash said, a strained smile on his face. The announcer just kept going.

"His skills with guns surpass everyone here and his angel arm blew a hole in Fifth moon…" Vash got a deadly glint in his eyes and she stopped, despite assurances from the contestants that he wouldn't kill her, just make her feel so guilty that she wished she was.

"… anyway, that's Vash for you! And now for him to interrogate… I mean ask the contestants some questions! Here you go, Vash! The mike's all yours!"

"Ahem. Thank you." Vash shuffled the papers in his hands, trying to look efficient, but only managing to look like he was trying to delay the inevitable (which he was).

When the crowd started getting restless, he finally cleared his throat and started. He decided to ask the questions to the contestants in alphabetical order to avoid any possible feelings of favoritism.

He first turned to his twin brother Knives, a plant with platinum blond hair, ice blue eyes and a deep hatred for anything human.

"Knives, why did you decide to participate in this contest?"

"Well, Vash," Knives started, sounding cultured, "we have been together since we were kids, and though we've gone our separate ways since then, I feel that we are still close."

Vash nodded and started to ask another question when his brother rudely interrupted. "But then again, you shot me in the leg that time and you're always bitching about that Rem chick that I killed and…"

Vash was livid. "DON'T YOU DARE BAD-MOUTH REM!"

Knives shrugged and continued, "you also whine and bitch whenever I kill anyone, even if you don't even really like them. I've never understood it – you should kill the spider to save the butterfly, after all."

Vash glared, but was also slightly teary-eyed. "I wanted to save them both… anyway, next question." He looked at the paper in astonishment and said aloud, not intending to of course, "how would you feel about having sex with me?"

"I'm glad you asked. I wouldn't mind at all if it were pleasurable. For me. And painful for you, of course." Knives grinned ferally.

Vash shuddered and said, "next contestant, Legato."

Legato's blue hair made the insanity in his gold eyes that much more obvious. His white clothes and the spiked shoulder adornment made him a highly visible, and highly attractive (if you go for the sadomasochistic type) character.

Before Vash could even begin to ask a question, everyone started clutching their heads in pain as Legato mentally screamed, "I DO NOT WANT VASH! I AM ONLY FOLLOWING MY MASTER. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE BUT HIM!"

Knives stiffened before turning to his side, giving Legato an unreadable expression. "I did not know you felt that way about me. Though in retrospect, it is rather obvious, with your slavish devotion and all. But I don't feel that way about you, so you are free to leave at any time."

Legato seemed to wilt where he sat, but then he looked up, making eye contact with Vash. "Don't even think about it," was all Knives had to say before Legato immediately looked back down and ignored the rest of the world, probably trying to think of some way to convince his master to let him stay.

"Heh heh… umm… next?" Vash said, trying to break the uncomfortably tense moment.

Meryl sat up straighter in her chair, trying to look taller (and possibly bustier) than she really was. Her short, dark hair and matching dark eyes showed her age, which wasn't that old! She sat calmly and attentively, waiting for Vash to ask a question.

And waited… and waited…

"…Vash?"

"Umm… yeah… right… so uh… why are you here, Meryl?"

"I would think the answer to that would be obvious." She responded, giving Vash a slightly annoyed look, but tempering it with a slight smile.

"Uh… yeah… um…" Vash started again.

"Why don't you ask me about my hobbies or my job?" Meryl suggested.

"Oh. OK."

"…"

"…"

"… well… are you going to ask or do I have to ask myself?" Meryl said, a small anger symbol appearing on her forehead.

Vash rubbed the back of his head and laughed uncomfortably. "Yeah. Right. So… what are your hobbies and what do you do for a living?"

"I am an insurance agent with the Bernardelli Agency and I like…"

"Eating vanilla pudding?" Millie supplied helpfully, when Meryl faltered.

"Eh-heh… no. I like… oh… just forget that question and ask me something else!"

Meryl sounded annoyed, so Vash thought he'd ask a simple question: "What do you think about me?"

"You are a pig-headed drunk and a major insurance liability. You have the IQ of a ten year old, the common sense of a five year old, and way too many scars. Why don't you get reconstructive surgery? Or better yet, give up that wussy little 'I don't want to kill' thing you've got going on. I mean, some of the bad guys you let live probably killed people right after you left! How do you feel about that?"

Vash looked like he was going to cry. "But… but… is that how you really feel about me?"

"Oh. I forgot to add that I think you are a decent guy and very cute, but you need to get your act together before I come over there and slap you. And why have you been checking out the announcer lady this whole time? You can't have her! She's not a contestant! Argh!"

Meryl jumped out of her chair and bopped Vash on the head just as he was turning his head from (sure enough) staring at the announcer. Blood flowed down the side of his face and a big bump bloomed on the top of his head.

"Ow…" he complained pathetically.

"What are you, bi? I've seen you check out dudes too!" Meryl screeched.

"…well yeah, why else would I even bother to ask the guys questions?"

Meryl couldn't manage to come up with a response, so Vash moved to the next contestant.

"Um… Millie… why are you here?"

"I came to cheer Wolfwood on!" She chirped happily, slapping said priest on the back and almost causing him to fall.

"… but Millie… you realize that if you do that, you don't get either of us, right? You won't get to… ahem… eat sandwiches with Wolfwood or eat… donuts with me. Are you OK with that?" Vash asked.

"Of course! And the only reason I've been going after Wolfwood was to make you jealous. Besides, I love shounen ai!" She grinned vapidly, belying her true intelligence.

Vash stared in awe at the large woman who regularly slammed bad guys with her stun-gun. Then he just shook his head and went on to the last contestant.

Nicholas D. Wolfwood stretched out more, his lanky frame becoming even more apparent, and calmly lit another cigarette. His black hair and bluish-gray eyes were striking. His rather large nose managed to keep his lean face from appearing too feminine. He wore a black suit with a white shirt underneath, open at the neck to reveal a vee of tanned, toned chest.

"Hey, preacher-man! So what brings you here?"

"Well, I figured since we were fuck buddies already, I might as well go for the gold." He replied calmly.

Everyone but Wolfwood stared as Vash turned as red as his coat.

"That's true, but…"

There was a minor uproar at this statement, but Vash was allowed to continue when the audience and contestants finally calmed down.

"Just because we… um… yeah… that's not a reason to think that I'll pick you, is it?"

"Not really, but I would be upset if you didn't pick me." Wolfwood said, shrugging.

"… how upset?" Vash asked, wondering if his friend was about to freak out like Knives had.

"Well, I wouldn't kill anyone over it or anything, but I…"

"Oh, that's good. You don't have to keep going. I understand. Next question…" Vash looked at his papers and winced at one he saw.

"What is it? Just ask it."

"Ah… I'm not sure… but okay. Um… considering your profession and how much you care about kids, would you kill a child to save my life?"

"For you? Yeah. But only if I didn't think you could handle it yourself."

Vash looked upset at the thought, but Wolfwood continued on, "but I think you can handle anything by now, so I seriously doubt it will ever come up. I'd trust you with my life."

Vash was touched and said so. Wolfwood just shrugged and said, "it's the truth."

"OK… how about… ah… what is your philosophy on sex… wait I already know that one…"

"Well, for the audience, I'll say it. I don't screw people I don't know and don't care about. I only do things with Vash because I trust him and like him. Besides, he is one hot piece of ass!" Wolfwood let his wolfish nature out, a huge, sexy grin adorning his face, making the fangirls in the audience feel faint.

Vash pouted. "Like I don't give as good as I get."

"Never said you didn't, Tongari."

"I really wish you wouldn't call me that." Vash whined.

"Well, seeing as they sound like an old married couple already, why don't we pronounce the contest over?" The announcer said.

"Hey wait! I'm supposed to choose!" Vash protested.

Everyone looked at him expectantly. "Umm… I choose… Wolfwood." He said, blushing at the hungry grin on the priest's face and the catcalls and suggestions the audience shouted.

"And so you have it, folks! Vash chooses Wolfwood, as if we couldn't have figured that out had we only known they were already dating. We wouldn't have had to kidnap him… or deal with those scary contestants… or… dammit Vash! Why didn't you just tell us!" The announcer screamed.

Vash was too busy blushing, so Wolfwood answered for him. "He's kind of shy."

"Understatement of the year." The announcer muttered.


End file.
